A soft (re)start

As much as I’m aware of the statistics on how New Year Eve resolutions fail within the first 3 weeks, I’m a sucker for the energy that comes with a fresh start that a new year can bring. The planners purchased. The movement goals set. The grocery orders with fruits and veggies. I love it all. I love it and I still know that energy is going to end, for the most part. I settle back into baseline and hum out another year and then I’ll circle back to the goals and re-set the same ones.

I’m mostly okay with this. I really have accepted that some goals are not meant to be met, and I do think there’s a healthy reality to settle into that there are rhythms in every season in life that we can’t shake.

However, I did start this new year with re-reading Atomic Habits, listening to a few Mel Robbins podcasts, and re-doing a half-bath that should have taken me a week to finish, but it ended up taking me a month and a half. I did have some goals that I was excited about pursuing, and finally feel almost 2 years into motherhood that I have the brain space and energy to pursue. (This newsletter being one of them).

The only problem is, I didn’t know that there were SEVERAL things outside of my control that would completely take me out.

The ice storm that took us out for a week.

The flu that took me out for two weeks.

Oh and by the way, I’m pregnant, and T I R E D. 

So basically at the end of January, January hadn’t happened for me. 

By the end of January, and rounding out last week of the flu and fighting against the reality that doing one thing makes me want to lie down for ten years, I really had to accept that January was not the start I had hoped for. Even more so, I’m well aware that come June with this baby, I’m going to be taken out again. For months. Not including all the other illnesses that we will most likely contract before then. (Thank you, daycare.)

My husband would tell you that I’ve still done a lot. I still make the food, clean the house, see the clients, do a three-day perinatal training, finish the laundry (weeks later), host the things, meet the friends, and make all the plans. And I still can’t shake this nagging sense that I’m not doing enough. I’m not living up to my perception of what my potential could be.

Is it true that I could scroll less? Yes. Is it true that instead of watching Real Housewives on the treadmill that I could meditate and listen to an audiobook on rewiring our brains? Ew. Could I write more and think more and stay more on top of my case load? Yes and yes. I know I could map out my entire day, minute by minute, being as productive as I possibly can, and still feel like I accomplished absolutely nothing.

The problem really isn’t with my to-do list, or with my ADHD, or my pregnancy energy levels—it really is with me. I’m forgetful. In so many ways. I forget that at the end of the day, my highest value and priority is in my family, not in the laundry I folded or if I sent the invitations out on time. I forget that it’s okay for the living room to be a wreck when I have a toddler who doesn’t see the mess and only sees the absolute joy in being present with her family. I forget that the texts are okay if they aren’t answered for 24 hours (*cough* 5 days). I forget that we can always restart. 

The magic of January is just that—it’s just magic, a thing in our collective memory that assigns power and meaning where maybe there doesn’t need to be power or meaning. There’s nothing about month 1 of a new year that can change us—true change happens in the small starts that we choose every day. 

So this is me saying this is my most gracious re-start to myself. Not in January. And not even at the beginning of February. Smack dab in the middle of the shortest month of the year. I’m writing to remind myself, and maybe you, that we can always choose that next step. 

Maybe next year we all take January to slow down, to rest, to reprioritize, and to really uncover what we desire for this next year of our lives. A new year does not change us. It was never meant to. It’s the little actions built up over time, the habits that we slowly come back to and stay committed to, it’s the re-starts. Those are the things that change us.